I BET YOU THOUGHT I FORGOT ABOUT THIS.





So I'll start this review by saying right off the bat that this is an awesome chapter. It's surprising, in the total best way, just how much it manages to pack in. Escape From Castle Midnight has always juggled multiple layered storylines at once, but now more than any previous chapter you open up several different venues for character change and growth. You also pack in some shocking revelations while still finding time to build Tirek's dark world into the foreboding and utterly bizarre realm we expected in some ways, and most certainly different in others. This is what we in the writing world call a "buffet," and you should be proud to have prepared it.

This late in the game ("game" being this story you've been weaving since the show's debut!), there's just one criticism I'd make, but it's global so I'm going to save it for the end. For the current moment, here's a bulleted list of the most significant thoughts which popped into my mind as I was reading:

* An exquisite cold opening. Chilling, mood setting, and the dialogue at the end of it is perfect.

* I continue to enjoy your treatment of Gilda and where she fits into all of this. While not a fifth (seventh?) wheel trucking alongside the Elements of Harmony, it's clear she certainly feels like one, and the push-pull you have between her Rainbow and Fluttershy, in both directions, is as fulfilling as it is heart-wrenching.

* I will always be up for seeing Twilight as a thoughtful, planning leader. That said, I'm not sure quotation marks are needed for her, or anyone's, inner monologues. Italics should be enough. (Did I mention this in a previous chapter? I can't quite remember...)

* Sooooooo.... Tirek's world is a Sonic CD Bad future. Got it.

* TSUNDERE TRIXIE FOREVER. IT'S NOT LIKE SHE ACTUALLY ENJOYS YOUR COMPANY OR CARES FOR YOUR WELL-BEING OR ANYTHING.

* Derpy and I have a sort of colorful history, so thanks for writing her in a way that makes me smile.

*And finally...
So I wasn't sure where you were going with, well, anything involving the forest (outside of recapturing the spirit of what it was like to see Everfree the first few times, which you completely nailed, btw)... but then you have THAT scene. And then you have ALL the bad dreams. And then you physically describe our party's assailants.

And then I sit back in my chair and laugh the most maniacal laugh. DARK EVIL SEAPONIES WHAT.

I'm of two minds about this. See, my inner aversion to dark-and-gritty tendencies (which I affectionately call my Anti-Frank Miller Filter) certainly wanted to decry this as "desperate for darkness" for the first five seconds... but the rest of me knows genius when it sees it. There's no desperation here--just a well-planned, amazing twist for those who've seen the original movie.
To top it all off, WOW sordid past for Applejack! How long have you been waiting to drop that one on us? Between that and Gilda and Fluttershy working together, this scene pretty much has it all... including the biggest case of what I'm about to touch on...

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So I'm about to do something I said I'd never do again and pretend I know what I'm doing when it comes to this writing thing. Apologies in advance.

There's a phrase it's a phrase that's really easy to get sick of, especially when you hear it from people who deign themselves to be bastions of "quality" when it comes to writing. That phrase is "show, don't tell." Contrary to popular belief, Show Don't Tell is not a required thing. It is, however, a valuable tool, with the ability to reward the reader as s/he reads with little solvable mysteries along the way, as well as the ability to emotionally supercharge a scene.

MLP is a very emotional series which, more than most shows, runs on its ability to communicate what its characters are thinking and feeling without saying it outright. Therefore a great (and easy!) way to Show Don't Tell with our little ponies is to use body language, tone of voice and dialogue to convey expression and mood. I'll go into examples taken from your fic:

“Are you two alright…?” Fluttershy asked, peeking out from behind Rainbow Dash.
This is good! This is showing. Fluttershy hides behind Rainbow Dash because of reasons based on the character we know so well. From this point it's optional to enhance Fluttershy's body language by having her shake or shiver, but having her simply peek her head out from behind RD is good, and its lets the reader infer Fluttershy's mood and character for themselves.

“I dunno, but whatever it’s doing, it sure looks pretty!” Pinkie replied gleefully.
This is far less showy and a little more telly. We're being told Pinkie is saying this gleefully, but there's nothing to infer it. Options here? Head movement such as an awed look or a huge smile or a quick bounce (she does this all the time anyway in the show, so...). These would replace adverbs such as "gleefully." There's almost always a better way to add adjectivize (if that's not a word it is now) dialogue than adding adverbs to it.

“The air was suddenly filled with a screeching, splitting sound, and the red light died down to pitch black. Sweat began to trickle down Twilight’s brow, her spell beginning to flicker as the strain built. “Keep it together, Twi!” Applejack encouraged, “Just a bit longer now!”
Good showing with the sweat and the spell-flickering. Perhaps show the strain in the facial expression as well to show that this is personally affecting her. As for AJ, though? Instead of just saying "encouraged" in a somewhat redundant manner (let's face it, AJ's dialogue there is rarely used in anything but an encouraging tone ) I personally would have tried to find a way for AJ (and maybe even Rarity) to place reassuring hooves on Twilight in her moment of greatest frustration. However, she was in the middle of a spell so that stuff's entirely optional. My point is, this is how this process works.

The Seaponies scene, however, shows a huge missed opportunity, IMO--specifically when Applejack is faced with memories of her mother, and we then get the line:

"It was like her worst memories were trying to split her head open."
This is one of the most damaging cases of telling one could possibly do. It's seemingly innocuous, but if we look closer, what's just happened in this scene is that you create a WONDERFUL mystery for the reader... and then immediately cut it down at the legs. Had this line not been here, it would have made the scene even more powerful than it already is by making the reader wonder whether this is a flashback or a nightmare, or a combination of both.

Plus, think of the peripheral uses. Should canon come along down the line and disprove the theory you have here, technically this would fit more easily into said canon (provided Word of Faust hasn't struck AGAIN when I wasn't looking ).

Anyway, just a thing to think about. The chapter overall was pretty good about showing and using subtle actions to add character, which made the points where it really didn't stick out more to me. So I figured I'd touch on the issue for consistency's sake.

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Whew! Didn't mean to go so long. Also please note I don't usually get "critical" unless I see a missed opportunity to make a story even more fun. As I said above, this is excellent stuff overall, and even now, as per usual, I eagerly await new Castle Midnight installments.

Even when it means I spend two weeks writing a single review.

...

Gosh, I'm suddenly so tired.

Read this on fanfiction.net. Good job.

Awesome, AWESOME work. The debut of the Seaponies was wholly unexpected and satisfyingly unnerving, and Spike's interaction with Scorpan is more compelling than the original!

Also, as I have already noted, your handle on these characters is simply astonishing. You shine with Pinkie Pie in particular, capturing exactly what makes her charming without making her as insufferable as she can be in the show - I like her here. For all of them, though, I can very often identify the speaker without relying on dialog tags, and that is a great accomplishment in itself.

DON'T WORRY GUYS THEY JUST WANNA SHOO-BE-DO

"And as those eyes stared down at them, Fluttershy and Gilda both knew their trouble was only beginning…" So much for calling on the sea ponies if you're in distress...

How come you're so good at making this?